Anxiety

When you meet a new person, are you automatically nice? Or are you one of those ones that just suffers with the burden of not having anything to say, and just ignore them? Obviously the latter of people never have to think about those who get anxiety at meeting new people, especially those their own age, as they seem to have no problem just with the rudeness of their ignorance. Or maybe that's just how I see it.

Today I played in the Junior Open golf match at my golf club, and let's just say it wasn't the most enjoyable event for me. Now, this isn't going to be some sob story about how no one wants to be my friend, or how I think spiteful people should shove their spite up their bum (I am a polite person sometimes), but I just want to release my thoughts without the knowledge that I'm being judged.

I had to play golf with two people who I'd never met before, this in itself being a difficult enough task for me as firstly I'm not that good at golf, try as I might, and these two players were extremely good- the girl had played for England Under 15's girls whereas I play for Leicestershire. Secondly, I get extremely anxious knowing that I'm going to have to spend at least four hours playing golf with these two skilled players, a terrifying prospect for me. As it turned out, I didn't have to worry about the boy I was golfing with as he didn't utter A. Single. Word. To me throughout the whole round. Charming. The girl, however, seemed nice enough and did talk to me briefly in between holes. Still not what I'm used- my average round of golf is spent laughing, chatting, making the tough competition fun and leaving me with a smile on my face. It's not everyday that I reach hole seven of eighteen nearly in tears.

So, eventually, we completed the game and walked into the clubhouse where the boys, some of whom I know and feel comfortable talking to, were sitting at a seemingly strictly-boys-only table and the girls likewise. I had never met any of these girls, but the girl I played with did, so I sat next to her at the end of the table. A few minutes later she moved to a spare seat where the girls were and leaving me alone, empty seats around me, while I heard them chattering away happily. Now, fair enough that they all knew each other and had plenty to talk about; but they didn't even look at me, let alone try to talk to me. I had to wait alone for my dad to pick me up with the lovely organisers occasionally starting up brief chats with me, not hiding the look of pity on their faces for the fifteen year old girl who had no friends.

I'm not trying to moan, and I'm not begging for sympathy; I just want respect. I mean, I guess I could have tried to talk- but where would I have ended up then? Would they have replied, or would they have blanked me? I was too scared even to look at them, of course making me look even worse. It just makes me wish people would understand what it's like to feel unable to make new friends.